die Ordnung und sitzpinkeln

The last time I was in Germany, my best friend Danny came to visit me. Danny got tangled up in a traveling bachelorette party, his brother nearly fought a döner man, and I slept in a trailer. It was a hell of a weekend.

Laura please don't hate me for posting this. Danny didn't know you at the time.

But one thing that stands out about this trip is the moment that Danny showed all the Germans that we were foreign. Danny crossed the street without the proper “grüner Mann” showing. Germans are crazy about Ordnung, “order”, and in Germany you do NOT cross the street unless you have the grüner Mann!

I was in Wernigerode last weekend waiting to cross the street to get to our car, and some chick crossed the street illegally. I thought it was weird, but the Germans thought it was unforgivable. Someone actually shouted at her, “Hey, you can't just cross the street like that. There are children watching you!” Germans don't talk to strangers. Ever. Let me repeat, a woman jay walked, and the passers by felt that it was so out of order for her to do this that they heckled and shamed her for being a poor roll model.

The idea behind it is that societies have order and that goes from the top to the bottom. When you have an autobahn where people can travel (not uncommonly) 135mph, and where unmarked streets mean a speed limit of 80mph, you need to know that someone isn't going to just walk in front of you. So for the Germans it's very important that their kids learn this and learn it quick.

Along the same lines, compared to the US Germany is a sink or swim sort of place. Guardrails: uncommon. Warning labels: few and far between. Speed limits: what? Parental Supervision: laissez-faire. This all relates back to Ordnung. Everyone knows not to wander near cliffs, ergo no guard rails. If you're allergic to peanuts, you clearly can't eat peanut butter, ergo few warning labels. If you drive according to the road conditions, almost any speed can be safe, ergo few speed limits. And so on. Honestly it's kind of nice to see everything function like this. It also saves you from seeing labels like “don't use your blow dryer in the shower.”...Seriously how pressed for time can you be?!

At other times though Ordnung and idiosyncrasy blur together. My favorite example of this is sitzpinkeln, and I've been chomping at the bit to talk about this! I've conducted a straw poll among my male German acquaintances about their bathroom habits. It was a very awkward straw poll. I was astonished to discover that the VAST majority of the guys sit down to pee (sitzpinkeln). I laughed at first, since German humor is notoriously dry and deadpan, and then I realized it wasn't a joke. There are even signs to enure Ordnung in this situation.

"Please sit to pee"

This part of the culture I simply can't internalize. Ordnung says that sitzpinkeln is more accurate than my current method, and vastly superior to my nighttime method of peeing-by-sonar, but every part of me says that boys stand to pee, and some principles are worth fighting for. I'm sort of waiting for my crossing the street moment with sitzpinkeln. I'll be at someone's house and I'll have to use the bathroom. I'll assume my normal stance and get down to business. They will hear the water against water sound of me NOT sitzlpinkln-ing. Ordnung will have to be kept, and I will be heckled and shamed, like the lady that jay walked.