There's an Ausbildung for that

The German capacity to impose order rivals that of the Borg. Many people don't notice it because it's such a quietly pervasive part of German society. Spend enough time with Germans or in Germany, though, and you'll start to see it too.

There are little habits like the German love for office supplies. Go to a classroom and nearly everyone has a “Mäppchen“, which is a little pocket that holds their traditional pencils, mechanical pencils, ball-point pens, felt-tip pens, markers, ruler(s) and highlighters. All usually in assorted colors.

Then there are some very well hidden things, like the German legal system. This one took me a long time to notice. I was sitting in a seminar and all of the students seemed to be quoting legal statutes in their presentations, and I thought “Why the hell is there a law for the establishment of recreational small gardens or the amount of fertilizer you can apply to a potato field?” But when I was making my presentation on patent law in the US, all of the laws I found were vaguely worded, and I ended up referencing dozens of court cases in my presentation to get the point across. Then it dawned on me; Germany's legal system isn't based on laws open to interpretation or hair-splitting court cases like the US. They have a statutory legal system, and they codify everything beforehand; there is no uncertainty. The US inherited a common law legal system from Britain, so we have dozens of court cases to determine exactly how a law applies in this and that situation. Also the German legal system doesn't use wishy-washy, imprecise juries. There is just a judge, and if need be, two lay judges, but the lay judges are most certainly not your peers like the jury would be in the US. This bit would be a bonus for me if I immigrated, since I've already been called for jury duty twice in the US!

But my favorite daily example of German order, and, incidentally the topic of this post, is the German apprenticeship system (Ausbildungssystem). The German lower schooling system is a riddle wrapped in a mystery broken into a jigsaw puzzle and cloaked in a conundrum, so I won't even attempt to explain that in this post, but at the end of it all the students have to choose a career, and heaven knows they can't just get a job. They have to first go through one of Germany's 344 governmentally approved Ausbildungen (translated). When I first heard about this system, I though it was fantastic, and admittedly I still kind of do, but for different reasons.

The Ausbildungssystem assures you as the consumer that not just anyone is building your roads, painting your walls, or wiring your house. And in the US we still have apprenticeships for professions like plumber, electrician, barber, carpenter and so forth. It's a good system. I don't want some guy whose “got a thing for electronics” wiring my house, I want a professional. But Germany takes it to a whole new level. If you looked through the list of approved apprenticeships, some of them make perfect sense. They provide the German work force with people trained to do very technical and specific jobs that any industrialized society needs. Some of the jobs though, just seem like the sort of joke a lawyer would hide in a contract to see if anyone actually reads the fine print. There is the Biology Model Maker (this link is in German), the Screed Layer (what the hell is screed?!), the Precision Optician (who is different from the regular Optician...somehow), the Surface Coater, and the list goes on.

The point is, it gets far too specific for my tastes, and some of the jobs seem like they hardly need training. For instance the Ausbilding to become a waiter takes three years! At Red Robin I got a week of training and was thrown to the sharks. My first table was a birthday party of handicapped tweens. I made two of them cry and one boy dislocated another girl's wrist. It was a blood bath. More training would have been nice, but three years is still ridiculous. On the upside, I think the Germans who go through the apprenticeships have more pride in their careers and tend to keep them longer, whereas many Americans take a job and then switch when it no longer suits them.

Now, you might say that this is just an example of out of control bureaucracy; just because the apprenticeships exist doesn't mean the Germans actually hire the people. I beg to differ. Another note on German culture is that Do-It-Yourself does not exist here, not to the extent it does in the US. When I was in language school in Radolfzell, my host mom's son had his birthday party at our house, and they didn't grill or potluck; their hired a butcher. I've been volunteering at a library in town. They had to move buildings and instead of taking things apart themselves, they hired a carpenter. A motion-controlled light needed to be installed, they hired an electrician. My bathroom ceiling molded over, they hired a painter and a sheetrocker.

It's not that the Germans are lazy or incapable, not at all. It's just that the Germans want things done right, and they value dependability. I guarantee, if that motion-controlled light stops working, the electrician will be there to fix it the next day. And the carpenter that was hired for the move was, incidentally, the one who built all of the fixtures in the first place 10 years ago. For me, the sense of fulfillment and triumph I get when I build a futon or a desk is worth it, but for a German it's better to know that that futon or desk is built properly, and that there is someone whose reputation you can depend on standing behind the desk.

I don't think I'll ever be able to understand totally the German need for Ordnung, but I'm getting closer. Though I still wonder what three years of training would be like to become a waiter.

Ich decke dich

We're right past the halfway point of my year in Germany, and to prove it, last week we had our midyear seminar in Frankfurt.

A pretty unique skyline for Germany

Luckily the week before last, all of my classes ended. In fairness I only had 3 classes and 2 half classes, so it wasn't like the end of classes gave me that much more free time than I normally had. However, I decided to take this opportunity to drop by Berlin and Karlsruhe again before I headed into Frankfurt a day early.

I've already discussed Berlin ad nauseum, so I'll skip a long-winded explanation of how much I love that city. On Saturday I bought my ticket from Berlin to Frankfurt...via Karlsruhe. If you're not familiar with German geography, this is like driving from Kansas City to Chicago by way of Denver. Every ticket checker I encountered was confused as hell.

Anyway I eventually get to Frankfurt a day early, having booked an extra night at our hostel. I was checked in by a very nice guy from Kenya. His German wasn't fantastic, but neither is mine as you'll soon see. There was a lull in the check in process where something was printing off, and to fill this lull he decides to banter with me. At this point I notice that his hat has some sort of bible verse on it, and his T shirt is similarly decorated. He then asks me “Sind Sie...Christ?” Now I'm an atheist, so I never really focused on learning religious words in German, which means that I didn't know that “Christ” in German doesn't mean “Jesus Christ”, it means “christian”. So I was very confused for a hot second, because of course I'm not Christ, not by a long shot. Then I realized he was asking my religion, so I was relieved to see that he hadn't mistaken me for his savior, but also concerned that I'd be drawn into a debate about born-again Christianity, during which I'm not certain I would have stayed polite. So I very excitedly informed him that I love Jesus and that, yes, my family is Christian. So, I technically avoided lying depending on how you define my family and if by love I meant respect. Welcome to Frankfurt!

That night I met a guy named David, who is a history student at the University of Frankfurt and who is also learning to be a tour guide of the city. He showed me around Frankfurt and explained the history of the city and the traditions, and he even spoke some Hessisch, which is the local dialect. He paid special attention during the tour to mention anywhere that JFK stayed at, spoke from, ate in, sat on, or even so much as glanced at during his time in Frankfurt. Later in the week, we also met his friend Samuel and all of us got lunch together at the University (Fun Fact: the University used to be the headquarters of the Supreme Allied Command after the war.) This particular building on the campus doesn't have normal elevators, but instead has paternosters. They're cool as hell. It looks like an elevator, but it never stops running and has cabins all along the elevator cable. There is an upward side and a downward side. So instead of pressing a button and waiting you just step into a cabin as it comes by and wait until you hit the right floor! It was wild!

At this point, I suppose I should explain the title of the post. I often say sentences in German that make no sense to anyone except me. Usually people just say they don't understand and ask me to rephrase it, but last week was different. I have two examples. During the first example, I was standing in front of the Goethe Haus with David and Samuel, and we were planning what to do next. I said that I would probably catch a train back home and not stay another night (I was getting a sore throat). Then I added an apology for being a party pooper. I wanted to say something funny like “don't get mad and hit me.” and I said “bitte mich nicht abhauen.” And Samuel asked me to repeat it, so I did. Then David asked me to repeat it, and I did, and then they both laughed. They said it was a very pretty phrase, but made absolutely no sense at all. It was worse than a grammar mistake and more like a collection of random German words strung together. I ended up saying “ please me no scram.” After four years of German, that was humbling to say the least.

The other, and by far funnier, mess up that I made happened on Sunday. Christoph and I were going to meet my friend Kevin for lunch. Christoph didn't have any cash, but time was short. So I wanted to tell Christoph that I would just pay for his lunch. I tried to say, “I'll cover you.” In German, things to do with covering usually have the word stem “deck” in them. Decke = blanket, abdecken = conceal, entdecken = discover, Deckel = lid. It seemed logical to me that covering the cost of a meal would also involve this word. I very casually said to him, “ich decke dich”. And he suddenly stopped walking. Then he realized that I (probably) didn't actually mean what I had just said, and he started to laugh. He then politely informed me that I just said I was going to impregnate him, ostensibly in the restaurant.

Other than my (hilariously) poor German turns of phrase, the week was a blast. The first night most of the 75 of us decided to go to a bar near the hostel. It being a Monday night, they weren't expecting 40 people to show up at once, but the bartender made bank on us. We also got to see the The Who's Tommy. At my mom's behest, I'd seen the movie version when I was about 15 or so, and I loved it. But I was the only one who'd heard of Tommy. Trying to explain the plot of Tommy goes over about as well as explaining the plot of Rocky Horror Picture Show: There's this kid who sees a murder, and then he is struck deaf, dumb, and blind...for some reason. So Tina Turner tries to cure him with LSD. Oh and then (still blind) he gets really good at pinball and defeats...Elton John. Then he founds a cult. My friends were less than enthused, but after the first half I think they were all converted.

Anyway, I'm halfway done, and I'll be writing more soon.

FKK

I walk into the room and it is packed! Everyone is sitting shoulder to shoulder, eyes facing forward, just waiting. I scan the front row; there might be a place if I scrunch, but then I think “what weirdo sits in the front row?” I raise my gaze to the back of the room, which is higher up. No one would really call that a seat in the proper sense, but I won't be here that long. “Hey, is the spot next to you free?” I ask. After a few seconds of confirming gestures and cutting through the rows, I'm seated. It feels really hot in here, I turn and ask my friend if he knows what the temperature is. He says what the temperature is in Celsius, which means nothing to me. I convert it and realize that in Fahrenheit it's well over 190°. It would be so much worse if I weren't naked....

Between Christmas and New Years, I decided to spend some time with my friend, who coincidentally is also named Alex, in Tübingen. On the second day of my visit he asked if I wanted to visit a sauna. I wanted to go, but I hadn't packed a swim suit. He told me that wouldn't be a problem at all, and explained that it was, of course, a nude sauna. And instantly my interest was piqued.

See, at the Language School, we all joked about this German idea called FKK, which stands for Freikörperkultur, basically nudism. There are nude beaches in Germany just like in the States, and I've always been sort of curious. At home though, I always thought of nudism as sort of a fringe thing. Admit it, you think it's weird too! And even if I wanted to try it out, nudist colonies don't really do that much advertising, surprisingly. Although, when I label nudism a “fringe thing”, I conveniently ignore the amount of time I spend stark naked, (I may or may not be writing this blog post in my underwear.) But as a foreigner in Germany, I have a free pass in the name of cultural exploration. I can try out FKK and if I hate it, I can laugh it off as part of my cultural education, but if I enjoy it, then I can label my self “cultured” and “European”. It's a win-win situation!

Still I had some reservations. The unfortunate thing about being nude is that you can't hide anything. (Also there is no good place to put your cell phone.) I'll admit, I was a little nervous about this. I mean, I'm skinny, but I'm not an Adonis. The Germans, on the other hand, ride their bikes everywhere, eat next to nothing, and the love to “make sport” all the time. I was sort of afraid that it would be scrawny me next to a bunch of Hans und Franz, body builder types.

But that really wasn't my main concern. I mean, I've been to the gym and I know that there are dudes with wicked awesome abs that put mine to shame, and I also know there are dudes with beer bellies that could hold a keg. No. My main concern was that little Alex, Alyoshka as I call him, might wake up and embarrass the hell out of me. Granted, it's not as bad as in middle school when a stiff breeze was enough to wake him up, but still, spending 3 hours around a bunch of naked people, statistically I'll find someone attractive.

I decided I'd have to gamble on that last bit, so I memorized a picture of Courtney Love as a mental cold shower and hopped in the car.

The sauna itself was really nice. There were 5 different sauna rooms with different temperatures and occasionally they would pour water over the coals and the temp would skyrocket. My best guess is that the highest temp was around 220-225° Fahrenheit but only for a very little bit. In between the sauna rooms there was a garden you could walk around in. In the middle of the garden was a swimming pool. At first I looked at the pool and thought, “hell no, I'm not getting in there with all those nasty naked people in the water!” and then I realized that it is absolutely no different from a regular pool, except in a regular pool the people have nasty fabric floating near their naked bodies.

Alyoshka stayed luckily in bed, but while he slept, I was gathering intel. I've been feeling that Alyoshka could maybe European-ize his style, so I was comparing and examining the current trends, discretely of course. I'll report back on this later. Oh, and my readers will be pleased to know that German women do in fact shave their armpits, but so do the men.

The sauna was really relaxing, and I actually got to the point where seeing people with clothes on made them look weird. There were several Adonises, but all in all the people looked like normal people you would see on the street. That made it a lot more enjoyable, honestly. It was open and honest and comfortable. If you ever get the chance, I would highly recommend going to a nude sauna. Nude saunas knock the pants off of regular saunas....get it?

zu Weihnachten

Holidays are finally over and now I can lie back and coast until Black History Month in February.

Spending Christmas in the dorms here in New Burning Castle (Neubrandenburg) would have been wicked boring, so before the holidays loomed near, I resolved to head back to South Germany. I figured someone would take me in, and worst case scenario the weather hasn't been that bad and the hobos seem friendly, so a homeless Christmas wouldn't have been too terrible.

Luckily, my friend Julia invited me to spend Christmas with her family, and I quickly accepted. I caught a Mitfahrgelegenheit from Berlin to Mainz. I dunno if I've talked about Mitfahrgelegenheit (MFG) before, but it's basically a cross between carpooling and hitchhiking. Anyways, I've always had good experiences with it. This time the driver required us to pay in advance over the website, which tacked on a 2€ fee. And in typical German fashion at least 1 hour of our trip was spent debating that fee. One girl said that she didn't think it was fair for her to pay an additional fee so that the driver had more certainty. She felt that she was paying both for a trip and basically for insurance for him. The driver said that if she didn't like the fee she could have found another driver. She countered that the idea of a fee violates the spirit of MFG, and that since he would have driven regardless of the presence or absence of passengers, the fee was just a money scheme. This when on for an hour!

Then the other guy in the car, maybe bored of debating but I doubt it, noticed my tattoo and asked what it meant. Normally I would explain it very openly, but the girl (the one pissed about the fee) was a physicist at the Max Planck Institute, and this is the moment I have been dreading since I got this tattoo. It's like when you get a Chinese character tattoo, and then you meet a Chinese girl. You have this gut wrenching fear that she will say, “You know your tattoo means 'genital warts', right?” So I asked her to explain the formula and then I tacked on my reason for getting it.

See MFG is so much better than taking the train!

I got to Mainz and spent the night there with Julia and her beau. The next day we went bouldering. I've never been bouldering before and I have the blisters to prove that I was a beginner. It was really impressing to watch normal looking people scale walls with a 45° outward incline.

But anyways, we finally get to the dorf that Julia is from, and Christmas began. Now in Germany, Christmas is a little bit different. The whole stocking thing doesn't happen. Instead you get candy in your shoes on the 6^th of December, but only if they're clean.

I still have no idea who left this

Also, whereas my mom puts up a Christmas tree (or two) the day after Thanksgiving, German trees go up decidedly later. 

Christmas also lasts three days. Presents are opened on the 24^th. The 25^th is a family day, and the 26^th is a friends day, more or less. Ohh, and Santa doesn't exist. Well, he doesn't exist like he does in the States. They have St. Nikolaus, the one who leaves the candy in the shoes on the 6^th, and then they have the Weihnachtsmann (Christmas man), who is the one you see dressed up like Santa on all the advertisements, but he doesn't seem to do much else, maybe he's retired, I'm not sure. The gifts themselves are delivered by the Christkind. When I asked who the Christkind was, I got a lot of different responses. I am fairly certain that the Christkind is neither St. Nikolaus nor the Weihnachtsman nor Santa Claus. Someone said it was a female angel, and then I also heard it was a baby. Anyways this Baby/Angel/Jesus entity delivers the presents, and it does so on foot, no reindeer involved. At one point a named Santa's eight reindeer, and was met with laughter, either because the concept of magical reindeer is simply the straw the broke the camel's back or maybe because Vixen's name sounds like the German word for masturbation. Oh, also in Bavaria and Austria, Santa or the Christkind or whoever has a helper. He is the Krampus. This video should explain everything.

Krampus did not pay me a visit, I must have been lost in the shuffle at immigration or something.

The rest of the Christmas days were very nice and relaxing. I got to meet Julia's family, spoke German the entire weekend, got some awesome gifts, and generally had a very very good time.