Heute gestohlen – morgen schon in Polen

Upfront, lemme say that the title is a joke and not an insult, but it's also not false either. The joke is “Stolen today – in Poland tomorrow.” Unlike the US, where all of our Polish jokes talk about how stupid poles are, in Germany all of the Polish jokes talk about how they are car thieves, or thieves in general. I find this concept hilarious, and being a person with a Polish last name, the irony never escapes me that I am a kleptomaniac. I already have a collection of 7 beer glasses stolen from various establishments. I would have 8, but I got caught in Constance at Oktoberfest with one in my backpack.

Last weekend there was a school trip to Krakow and Auschwitz. The trip was the same time as a trip to some agricultural trade show, but I decided that Auschwitz might trump a trade show, plus I got the trip for a killer price. So Thursday morning, I hopped on a bus with 10 other German students and we started driving to Krakow. In case you're curious, Poland looks like Minnesota, and it's just about as hard to understand Polish as Minnesotan.

The trip was awesome. I'd been feeling sort of shitty over the past few weeks, what with the weather, isolation, and whatnot, but the other Germans on the trip were awesome and it made it so much better to have spent the weekend with them. They were easygoing and funny and personable. It was refreshing.

We got into town Thursday night, checked into the Good Bye Lenin Hostel, and promptly set out to explore Krakow. Poland (as you might expect) is wicked cheap, well not like 3^rd world wicked cheap, but I've been used to paying everything in euros and Poland's currency is about ¼ as valuable. We had pizza and two half-liters of beer for about $8.50 a piece.

Friday was Auschwitz. It's really hard to give a review of a concentration/death camp. I mean, I really shouldn't call it “good,” you know? The tour was interesting(?) and of course seeing the piles of shoes and walking though the gas chambers and stepping inside the barracks was moving. Auschwitz was “the camp” of the holocaust; it's the world's largest cemetery since over 1 million people died there, and it was the home to Dr. Mengele, who was the most monstrous person I've ever learned about. Still, as a museum goes, I thought Dachau (near Munich) was better. 

Auschwitz, just through the main gate

Birkenau, view from the main gate

Our tour guide didn't really explain anything except the raw facts, and I could have read the signs myself. Also, on a lighter note, the tour guide reminded me of a character from a German parody of Poland. She spoke in a really flat voice and rolled all of her R's. “Now.....Shoo mus rrrrrrememberrrr 'zat in concentratt-shee-owns camp is no food for eat. All is starrrrving. Horrible time. Many death.” The tour was in German, and like I've mentioned German has some (often funny) compound words like “finger-hat” (thimble). At one point our tour guide actually said, “Now, please you come closerrrr to death-wall.” Even the Germans thought this one was funny.

Day 3 was a tour around Krakow with a German tour guide. Krakow is kinda dirty. Not dirty and edgy like Berlin; it's just dirty. It was cool though, and the Polish people are fascinating to listen to when they speak Polish. After our tour, I decided to try to navigate the tram system and find the Harley-Davidson store in Krakow. I don't have a Harley, but a few of my family members do and I thought a Harley Davidson-Krakow shirt would be a pretty baller gift. After an hour of searching, asking, gesturing like a moron, and aimlessly riding the tram, I found the store...but it was closed. So Bob, Robert, Eddie know that I was thinking of you, and if I'd been 2 hours earlier, you'd have a new shirt on the way.

Now, remember that off color joke I told about Poles being thieves? Well during our tour we stopped in the Jewish quarter to learn about the history of the Jews in Krakow. There are also some scenes from Schindler's List filmed there, maybe. I never saw the movie, and I wasn't 100% on what the tour guide said. Anyways, one of the girls stopped to take a picture and just like that, someone stole her purse off the ground. It wasn't that bad, she lost debits cards, drivers license, and some petty cash, but nothing horrible. Still the first words out of our bus driver's mouth were, “Heute gestohlen, morgen schon in Polen.”

die Frustration

I had the opportunity when I was accepted to the program to choose where I would be staying, living and working. The deal was that I had until May 1^st to secure an internship in a foreign country, without being present, and 11 months in advance. Needless to say, I did not secure an internship in advance. I didn't try to secure one in advance. Well that's not totally true, I googled some things, got bored and decided that it was such a long shot that it wasn't worth the effort. This, ladies and gentlemen, is how the mind of a boy genius functions.

Now, the last time I studied abroad, I was in Tübingen. There we had 30,000 students, which included close to 1000 exchange students. There were so many Americans that they didn't even all know each other. There was a bar or club on every street corner, and a party several times in the week. I wondered how people completed their degrees, there was so much to do. I spent 4 months having the best time of my life. I had class like 7 hours per week, I had an enormous friend group from English-speaking countries, and I could travel to France, Switzerland, or Austria for less than 5€ any weekend.

You can imagine my shock when I was placed in Mecklenburg-Vorpommern, the least densely-populated state in Germany. My college here only has 2000 students, and of those only about 20 are other exchange students, I can name them all. There is one other American in the town. And there really isn't that much to do here. Apart from the American girl, none of my friends speak English. The nearest and only country adjacent is Poland, which, in fairness I am visiting next weekend. And mensa parties, parties in the school's cafeteria, are a highlight. There are only a handful of bars, but they aren't very hopping.

This placement did not meet my expectations at all. And here's why that's actually a good thing. My expectations were based on a 4-month study abroad stint in Tübingen. Tübingen was a blast, but in Tübingen I got the lowest grades in my life, speaking German was a rarity, and I probably spent more on booze than I did on food. In my defense on that last part, I can cook very cheaply, but whiskey is expensive!

Here in Neubrandenburg, if I open my mouth to speak, it has to be German or I won't be understood. There is most certainly less to do, but this also means that I can't escape to a bar with my American friends or to Switzerland with my Australian friends. It forces me to interact with Germans, to speak their language and to learn their culture. I am also forced to connect with Germans for friendship. I have learned more about German home life in the past month than I did in all my time in Tübingen. And that is the goal of my year here, not to study abroad, but to learn about another culture.

It sucks, though. I sit in class and the professor asks why the Earth has seasons. I know the answer is because the Earth tilts on its axis by about 22° and, as it rotates around the sun, certain parts get more or less light at a different angle, and that's why the sun hovers at the horizon toward the poles, and that's why we have solstices and equinoxes. And I open my mouth, but realize that I don't know how to say tilt, angle, hover, pole, equinox, or solstice. So I have to sit there silently. After class, people tell jokes that I don't get. I meet a German and I want to say “I really like you, you're so smart, and kind, and understanding when I stumble through a sentence and could we please get coffee sometime?”, but all that comes out is “You are cool.”

If I had to pick, I would never have chosen Neubrandenburg. But since I'm here, I'm (sort of) glad of it. I'm learning a lot about what it means to be a foreigner, and what it means to be in a foreign country. It's easy to be abroad when you're surrounded by friends and compatriots. I wouldn't have experienced a very important part of being abroad without having lived here. I would have lived only in Tübingen and claimed to understand Germany and Germans. Now I don't totally understand Germany or Germans, but I'm closer, and I'm thankful, and Lord Jesus I miss 1.50€ shots at Kukuk

die Ordnung und sitzpinkeln

The last time I was in Germany, my best friend Danny came to visit me. Danny got tangled up in a traveling bachelorette party, his brother nearly fought a döner man, and I slept in a trailer. It was a hell of a weekend.

Laura please don't hate me for posting this. Danny didn't know you at the time.

But one thing that stands out about this trip is the moment that Danny showed all the Germans that we were foreign. Danny crossed the street without the proper “grüner Mann” showing. Germans are crazy about Ordnung, “order”, and in Germany you do NOT cross the street unless you have the grüner Mann!

I was in Wernigerode last weekend waiting to cross the street to get to our car, and some chick crossed the street illegally. I thought it was weird, but the Germans thought it was unforgivable. Someone actually shouted at her, “Hey, you can't just cross the street like that. There are children watching you!” Germans don't talk to strangers. Ever. Let me repeat, a woman jay walked, and the passers by felt that it was so out of order for her to do this that they heckled and shamed her for being a poor roll model.

The idea behind it is that societies have order and that goes from the top to the bottom. When you have an autobahn where people can travel (not uncommonly) 135mph, and where unmarked streets mean a speed limit of 80mph, you need to know that someone isn't going to just walk in front of you. So for the Germans it's very important that their kids learn this and learn it quick.

Along the same lines, compared to the US Germany is a sink or swim sort of place. Guardrails: uncommon. Warning labels: few and far between. Speed limits: what? Parental Supervision: laissez-faire. This all relates back to Ordnung. Everyone knows not to wander near cliffs, ergo no guard rails. If you're allergic to peanuts, you clearly can't eat peanut butter, ergo few warning labels. If you drive according to the road conditions, almost any speed can be safe, ergo few speed limits. And so on. Honestly it's kind of nice to see everything function like this. It also saves you from seeing labels like “don't use your blow dryer in the shower.”...Seriously how pressed for time can you be?!

At other times though Ordnung and idiosyncrasy blur together. My favorite example of this is sitzpinkeln, and I've been chomping at the bit to talk about this! I've conducted a straw poll among my male German acquaintances about their bathroom habits. It was a very awkward straw poll. I was astonished to discover that the VAST majority of the guys sit down to pee (sitzpinkeln). I laughed at first, since German humor is notoriously dry and deadpan, and then I realized it wasn't a joke. There are even signs to enure Ordnung in this situation.

"Please sit to pee"

This part of the culture I simply can't internalize. Ordnung says that sitzpinkeln is more accurate than my current method, and vastly superior to my nighttime method of peeing-by-sonar, but every part of me says that boys stand to pee, and some principles are worth fighting for. I'm sort of waiting for my crossing the street moment with sitzpinkeln. I'll be at someone's house and I'll have to use the bathroom. I'll assume my normal stance and get down to business. They will hear the water against water sound of me NOT sitzlpinkln-ing. Ordnung will have to be kept, and I will be heckled and shamed, like the lady that jay walked.

Die Rückkehr des Amis

I'm not really (or at all) a Star Wars fan, but this seemed to fit. Today's title is a play on words from the Star Wars film Return of the Jedi, which, in German, was titled Die Rückkehr der Jedi-Ritter. Ami is a slang word for American. I chose this title because in this post I'm gonna chronicle my return to Berlin!

This time around in Berlin, I was able to see more off-the-beaten-path sights. I'm guessing it was because I spent my time in Berlin with an actual German, which turned out to be helpful. Who knew?

We saw all the normal stuff. Siegesäule, Berlin Wall, Checkpoint Charlie, Brandenburg Gate, Fernsehturm. Checkpoint Charlie was the most disappointing sight of the entire trip. It's literally a ticket booth in the middle of the street. There's a McDonald's next door. I was expecting the gateway between East and West to have a little more...show, more ummph, more anything. I mean for god's sake that TV antenna on Alexanderplatz at least has laserlights. Play some disco music, get some strippers, pass out T-shirts, something. If you go to Berlin, skip Checkpoint Charlie.

We spent some time checking out the main drags of Berlin. Unter den Linden and Friedrichstraße were interesting but very very pricy. There was a Volkswagen store and I got a sneak peak of the new VW Beetle though, hot off the line!

The diplomatic quarter was also fun to see. We killed a good hour here because I wanted to find the Mexican Embassy. See, the picture on the internet of the Embassy showed it with an enormous fence around it, and honestly, I sort of wanted to get arrested as an American trying to break into Mexico. (Un)luckily, we never found it. There were tons of other political jokes running through my head. I really hoped the United Arab Emirates' Embassy would have a fountain of crude oil. No dice. Also, I have to say, India's embassy puts the other to utter shame.

We spent Sunday at the Pergamon Museum, and it was exceptional. The Pergamon has a bunch of stuff from Mesopotamia. It's got the Ishtar Gate, a Codex of Hammurabi, and the entire city of Pergamon from Turkey. It was really fulfilling to see these things because I'd learned so much about them. We spent essentially the first semester of Humanities Class in high school on Mesopotamia. I also forced us to go to the Botanical Garden and I geeked out there a whole bunch.

Oranienstraße was something that my German friend wanted to see because he heard it was popular, but he freely admitted that he didn't know why. This was unexpectedly my favorite place we saw....other than the Pergamon. Oranienstraße started off boring and then slowly we started to see Turkish shops, and then Vietnamese shops, and then art shops. There was also a fair amount of homeless people and graffiti and drunk people in between. My accomplice for the trip got sort of edgy during this phase. I joked about renting an apartment there. He didn't laugh. I don't have any pictures of Oranienstraße because I was pretty sure that if I took out my camera, I would be mugged. This area reminded me why I like Berlin. The street is really gritty (filthy) and diverse (poor) and so alive with people (drunk). I really liked it though and I would love to go back...in the daylight.

So that's it for Berlin, Part II. I'm certain I'll end up back there at some point, but I won't bore you with a third story.